In lockdown, nobody can hear you scream.
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Not true. At my place, we can hear it all: every interminable Zoom meeting, every weary sigh, every muttered curse, and the deafening roar of silence as optimism ebbs and another lost day slips away into a never-ending fug of hopeless ennui.
Oh dear. You definitely need some screaming meditation.
Surely those two words don't belong together?
Are we om-ing or aaaaaargh-ing?
Screaming meditation is just one type of dynamic meditation.
It's aimed at expelling your pent-up stress and rage in a healthy way.
As opposed to creating a home movie starring my next-door neighbour, his leaf blower and some intimate surgery?
Exactly. Nobody gets hurt this way, and you'll feel so much better for a nice cathartic scream - or a shake, some heavy breathing, flailing, dancing or even a babble of complete gibberish.
Enough with the cruel reminiscences of those epic nights out of old. We can only dream of those now.
Dynamic meditation was created by the Indian guru Osho, who reckons that our modern sedentary lifestyle necessitates a vigorous, active style of meditation, rather than the old-school sitting down type.
He says it helps "break old ingrained patterns that keep one imprisoned in the past", and "experience the freedom behind those prison walls."
Very much a meditation for the moment, then.
It's very liberating. Especially the part where Osho says you must "go totally mad. Scream, shout, cry, jump, kick, shake, dance, sing, laugh; throw yourself around. Consciously go mad. Be total."
I totally want to be total. But I'm worried my neighbours might call the police.
You can muffle the noise by screaming into a towel.
That's what the guide suggests on my favourite meditation app, Flow (flow.is). It's Icelandic and you get to shake and scream to a friendly voice and stunning visuals of an erupting volcano.
It sounds almost transcendental. Bonkers, but a healing kind of bonkers.
It's the perfect antidote to all our current confinements. A way to let loose, break free and release our frustrations. The boss man Osho calls it a 'chaotic trance.'
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Word, Osho. I can't think of a better way to describe the situation we're in right now.
- Amy Cooper is a journalist who embraces wellness, but has also used kale to garnish a cocktail.
